Isn’t it the most irritating thing when you wake up to the reality that things are actually nothing like you thought they were, and that, deep down inside you knew that all along? You suddenly realise that the uneasy feeling of things not being quite right was true. And you also realise that that feeling was there since as long as you can remember and that it stared you in the face every morning and every night and you still brushed it aside as nonsense. And when things finally fall to pieces around you, you wonder what in God’s name were you thinking, dragging things along for so long? That has to be the worst part. The part where you realise that you knew all along it would never have worked out. That it was all wrong. That you don’t want it anyway. That you’re not and never will be satisfied with the way things are. That you don’t feel the way you act like you feel, and that you know those feelings are not mutual. Why do we do these things? Why?
Do I hate you? That depends, really. I’m not sure what it depends on, but it just does. Hate is a very powerful emotion. You have to deserve that emotion. And not many people deserve an active emotion like hate. Indifference would suit them far much more. Because not many people are really worth an active emotion at all. Just indifference. They have no place in your life, have no part in your day. They are not worth you spending such effort as hate entails on them. Therefore, I would rather not hate you, because I just can’t be bothered to.
You think you mean something to someone. Not much, but at least as much as they mean to you. The worst feeling in the world is realising that you don’t. And never did. And never will. That actually, you no place in their life, have no part in their day. Yes, you are liked, you are welcome to spend time with them, etc. But do you really, actually mean something to them? Not really. If they would have to choose to have one person to have by their side in the most important day of their life, it wouldn’t be you. You wouldn’t even be the runner up. Is that enough to make you hate that person? Not really. You can’t force people to want you and you can’t complain when they don’t. You can just curse your stupidity that you thought you were worth something to them, when all the time you knew deep down inside that you never were.